Kbye

my friend, F is leaving for UK by 15th. come on, why i have to be so sad about seeing her leaving? not that i would be in Malaysia if she's here.


maybe because she's so special i don't want her to leave, without seeing me first T____T


F and i are close friends back in high school. we always do things together and i spent most of time with her. she's so kind and loyal and i was so bossy and ignorant i always forget to appreciate her presence.


when i was 15, i wanted to do a lot of things and i wanted to be the person i never got the chance to be. i never really care about having a best friend i thought i could live for myself and i wanted other people to see me as an independent girl.


there was one day F and i were heading somewhere (can't remember) we were hand in hand like always. a cikgu saw us and tegur, "amboiii korang ni berkepitt je setiap masa". i know she's just joking but i took it very seriously. tak cool okay bila cikgu cakap macam tu. so i said to F, "eeii lain kali jangan la pegang tangan kita depan cikgu malu la".


when i was 15, i was rapat with a guy that i secretly like. but trusting a guy when you were just 15 is the stupidest thing. he wanted to see me because there was a rumour about us "together" and he was so mad. i asked F to teman, i said "duduk je sebelah kita tapi jangan cakap apa-apa". the guy and i had a row and i was yelling at him. i was so frustrated i ran back to my room and there she was asking me if i'm okay.


another day, i asked F to teman me (again) to a competition. i said to her "masa kita kat atas pentas nanti, jangan pandang kita pun nanti kita nervous". when i was on the stage i took a glance at her and there she was, looking out of the door and trying not to stare at me.


i was 16 when i learnt a lot of things. i wanted to have someone close to me, someone that's kind and loyal and i was (still am) ashamed of how ignorant i was towards F. so i said i was sorry. i truly was.


but i was just 16, i forgot what i had promised and maybe i was too late when i wanted to say sorry again. suddenly F was not the same F i used to know. it was her turn to become the ignorant one in our friendship.


we argued about a lot of things. satu hari, i asked her to make Milo for me. she said it's my turn not hers. later at night she said "why it's always has to be me? you said i'm your best friend but why didn't you do like you said you would?". it was the first time i ever seen her cry. i was so sorry but i said nothing.


when i was 16, i did a lot of things to make sure she forgave me. we might seem as close but i could feel the distant every time we spent time together. but i always so happy when she was there for me.


i sayang her so much i kissed her at the mouth haha. we wore green kebaya during a grand dinner. we ate a lot of Maggi together and we waited for each other for every lunch and dinner. we sat next to each other in classes and i taught her Add Maths, Biology, Chemistry.. and she taught me Maths. we exchange presents during out birthdays and .... fine, there were too many memories i couldn't remember all.


i said i was sorry so many time she said "jangan cakap benda yang kita tak nak dengar lagi kalau tak kita tak nak cakap dengan kamu lagi".


when i was 16 and it was the last day of school i said "jangan menangis masa kita cakap selamat tinggal nanti sebab there's no goodbyes in friendship". we hugged but we didn't cry. but she did cry when she said goodbyes to our friends.


tadi she said "status kau ada kaitan dengan aku ke?". of course it does, i was so sedih i can't hug you goodbye :(


i am so sorry i was (and still am) not a good friend. i am so sorry i did a lot of bad things to you. hidup baik-baik. belajar rajin-rajin. sayang kau so much haha please don't read this i'd be so malu if you do haha kbye :D